Friday, July 31, 2015

Worst. Genealogists. Ever.

We know that Smallville is a, well, small town (unless you're Scott Snyder, and think Smallville had a population of 36,000).

So you've got to work kind of hard to amuse yourself, especially in ye olden days.

So one group has a keen idea:

Smallville has a genealogy society?

Anyway, their unique way to honor Superboy?


Needless to say, genealogists, even small town genealogists, can't trace your "future family tree."

First of all, they have no idea of whom Superboy might marry.

Secondly, they don't even know if he can breed with humans. I'm not getting all "Woman Of Kleenex" here--but seriously, different species, guys. It probably shouldn't bet aken as a given, right?

Third, really, should you presume that there will always be a male offspring, and that male offspring will always choose to a super-hero named Superman? Seriously, what if one wants to become a librarian, or a taxidermist?!? What's if there's only a female child? What if he decides that Superman is a lame name, and wants to call himself Hyperdude?

But the most egregious thing is the extreme care taken to portray the pictures of the future descendants of Kal-El:

And another look at the banner:

Come on, they're all going to look alike?!?! For heaven's sake, Smallville genealogists, don't just cut and paste the same picture for every generation--try using a teeny bit of imagination! Why not a blond Superman? One with no cleft chin?

Well, the citizens of Smallville seem to be having a good time:

I guess it beats another barn-raising or square dance...

From Superboy #120 (1965)

The Best Thanksgiving Ever?!?

Look, I pretty much hate the character.

But I've got to say...

...Pilgrim Punisher might just be the best thing ever!

Seriously--wouldn't Pilgrim Punisher improve The Scarlet Letter? The Crucible?

From Age of Ultron Vs. Marvel Zombies #2 (2015)

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Where's Zatanna When You Need Her?!?

Young Mxyzptlk is tired of Superboy tricking him into saying his name backwards. Like it's Superboy's fault, you dim imp.

Anyway, Mxyzptlk decides to use the legal system to create a huge loophole in the "say my name backwards" rule:

But how does that help? Even with a new name, you can still be fooled into saying it in reverse, right?


Of course, you could have just renamed yourself  "Bob" with the same results, Mxy...

[SPOILER ALERT: Superboy uses the rare element "amnesium" to make Mxy forget that he changed his name and...oh, never mind, just say "Silver Age"]

From Superboy #120 (1965)

That Time Some Free Comic Did A Mash-Up Of Mannequin And My Little Pony (Sort Of Kind Of)!!

Sorry to do this to you this morning...

Sue The Magic Manikin--yes, that is her name--yes, Peppo The Manikin Maker gave her a heart, so she can come to life and murder you in your sleep frolic and play with you...

Where, was I? Oh, yeah, someone stole her "Sacony Separates" (a line of children's clothing that this free comic is pitching). So, in a plot not at all ripped off from The Wizard Of Oz movie, a wise owl accompanies Sue and a growing horde of companions to help them in their various quests.

The saddest creature they encounter?

Oh, boo freakin' hoo.

Of course, in a plot twist in no way borrowed from The Wizard Of Oz, the owl turns out to be the manipulate bastard behind everyone's trouble, and he just says a couple of words and waves his wings and gives the unicorn a diploma fixes the unicorn's foot prints:

Oh, joy.

So now Sue can back to hawking clothing and stalking children making shopping fun at the department store:

From The Woodland Adventures Of Sue The Magic Manikin (1957). Yes, this actually exists.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Superboy--Capitalist Tool!!

Young Mxyzptlk has come to Smallville to be the town's "fairy godfather":

Well, honestly, it's no surprise what everyone wishes for...

So predictable!

Well, the Smallville 1% can't let this go on!

Of course, Superboy is a tool of the already-rich in their attempt to keep down the peons:

Smallville has an economy?!?

And so Superboy keeps unlimited riches out of the hands of the unwashed masses. We can't upset the natural order, after all!! I mean, if the everyone is wealthy, how will the rich be able to tell that they're superior??

From Superboy #120 (1965)

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Ben Grimm Is Not Dumb, Dammit!!

There' something that desperately needs to be said every once in awhile:

Ben Grimm is not stupid.

Along with Doctor John Watson, Ben is one of the most misunderestimated characters in popular fiction.

See, he's a big strong lunk. And he looks like a monster. And, well, he don't talk all fancy.

But let's not forget that he has a college degree. Sure, he may have been there on a football scholarship, but he roomed with Reed Richards--and Reed certainly wouldn't let his buddy just scrape by.

After the war (if that's still in continuity...), Ben became "the best test pilot in the USA." Eat it, Hal Jordan!!

And Reed chose him to pilot a freaking space mission. And honestly, there aren't too many stupid astronauts.

Oh, that was just Reed giving his buddy a job because they were breakin' the law and he could trust anyone else, you say?

Uh-uh. After the Fantastic Four broke up (again, that trick NEVER works!), NASA hired Ben to test out their new experimental space shuttle. Yes, NASA:

Again, there aren't too many stupid astronauts.

And everyone at NASA thnk's Ben is the bee's knees:

Look at all those buttons? Could a numbskull fly that craft?

"The best pilot I've ever seen."

Sure, Ben talks a bit...well, uneducated. He grew up rough, and didn't change his Yancy Street patois when he got out. And no doubt, he plays that up now, to keep consistent with his image as a monster, so people will continue to underestimate him. I mean, what's the point of acting smart when you're standing next to Reed Richards, anyway?

So remember, Ben Grimm is not stupid, not a moron, not dumb. I guarantee he is smarter than any of us...

From Fantastic Four #192 & 193 (1978)

Monday, July 27, 2015

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Don't Get Between Wolverine And His Porn!!

It's ye olden times, and Professor X and some of the X-Men are visiting Chicago, to try and recruit young Kitty Pryde for their "school."

The Malt Shoppe? How charming, how quaint!

And just look how wholesome and friendly the place is!

Uhhh...what are Wolverine and Colossus doing in the background there?!?

Penthouse?!?! In The Malt Shoppe?!?! But it's spelled "Shoppe"--they can't carry adult magazines like that right in the open!

Penthouse AND Playboy?!?! What the hell kind of Malt Shoppe is this?!?!

Well, fortunately, the some Hellfire Club goons show up, and Wolverine doesn't get to beat the crap out of the kindly old porn and ice cream proprieter.


...there's still some karma at work, as The Malt Shoppe is blown to bits.

The moral of our story: Don't carry skin mags in your ice cream parlor. 

Also, don't bother Wolverine he's he's reading those skin mags.

From X-Men #129 (1980)

Manic Monday Bonus--A Reminder Of What We Have Lost

This is just a reminder that, prior to Flushpoint, we had a vibrant, millennia-spanning family of Flashes:

Then, because someone out there thought that not only was Barry Allen the best Flash, but that the existence of any other Flash somehow detracted from his glory. Barry Allen is a jealous god, and we must worship no Flash beside him, apparently.

Oh, that family tree? It's from the Flash Museum in the 30th century, when we were allowed to have nice things like that:

From The Flash: Secret Files #1 (1997)

Manic Monday--The Super-Villain Most In Need Of Serious Manscaping!

Trigger alert: This post contains a very very very very VERY hairy guy.

You know, when King Kull shows up in his "crushproof suit," he doesn't look so bad...

(Although the close-up really doesn't do him any favors...)

But when he takes that suit off?

Dude! Put on a shirt!!

I mean, ewwwwww!

I guess we know why they call him The Beastman!
Well, at least he's a happy, jolly soul.

But could someone get him a coupon for a free waxing or something?

From Marvel Family #73 (1952)

Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Worst Of All Worlds

We've been invaded by Atlantis.

We've fought Nazis.

 But you haven't known terror until you have faced the threat of...

Nazi Atlantis!!

No, I don't know why this hasn't been included in Battleworld.

From Captain America: Sentinel of Liberty #2 (1998)

Saturday, July 25, 2015

This Makes Lex Luthor's Real Estate Scams Seem Realistic!!

Pa Kent's jerky brother Burt is concerned that his nephew Clark is too big a wimp. So he bullies the Kents into sending Clark to summer camp. That made a man out of me, Burt reasons, so it will do the same for Clark!!

Well, it's a good thing Burt did that, because it turned out that  "Camp Storm King" was really a front for aliens looking to take over the Earth!!

Their plan?


You maniacs! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!!

Fortunately, Superboy figured out their scheme and put the kibosh on it. But how did he figure it out?

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! And you thought our society was biased against left-handers!!

From Superboy #117 (1964)